


For Fear of Losing You

by AleesShu



Series: Latte Week 2019 [4]
Category: 36 Questions (Podcast), Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (except maybe colleen tbd), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR LANCE AND MATT ARE GOING TO BE JUST MENTIONED, F/F, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Latte Week 2019, Latteweek2k19, M/M, More tags to follow, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-12-18 17:03:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18254111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AleesShu/pseuds/AleesShu
Summary: Following the plot of 36 Questions (well, mostly) Matt and Lance answer the 36 questions in Matt's hope it could possibly save their relationship after Lance discovered he'd been lying since they met.





	1. Act I

**Author's Note:**

> nearly a week late but uh, here we are, with day 4- fear. I'm posting the acts mostly in tune where the actual acts cut. Also please note that I'm stupid and wrote this as if they were talking to Matt's ipod most of the time, however there's more details into what they're actually doing so,,, it's a bit odd
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy!

Matt sighed, looking down at the ipod he had in his car and grabbing it. “Okay… you can do this-” he tried assuring himself as he started a recording on it. “Hello- uh- hello. This is Matt Holt... I am currently in my car with a box of documents and driving to my runaway husband’s house… You know now that I say it out loud, I kind of think this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done… but I- I guess I just have to try and resolve this or at least say goodbye to him- fuck if I know.” Matt hesitated, gripping the steering wheel tighter as thunder crashed and rain started pouring down harder. 

 

“Okay- well, I now have a recording that will either be my guide to trying to reconnect with my husband, or my death from spinning out in the rain and crashing and burning, which I honestly have to question if that might be better.” Thunder crashed again, and Matt took a deep breath. He was going to die- he was going to die out here. It wasn’t that he was afraid of death, really, because he’d been there and done that, but maybe it was the fear of dying without resolution. That was always cause for ghosts, and he didn’t want to be a ghost.

 

In the background, his phone chirped at him to go right and so he did, which led him into a neighborhood. “I am… pulling up on Lance’s house now, and the nervousness builds.” Matt parked the car in front of the house that matched the address and sighed. “Here I am, about to go up and knock on the door with a box, a letter, and a lot of regret…”

 

\----------

 

“Hello! This is Matt Holt, I am now inside of Lance’s house after mosquitoes tried to eat me alive and he, my prince charming, came to my rescue and opened up the door.”

 

“Oh my god- are you still doing that recording thing? Taylor- Matt- no- Matt! What the hell? Did you just come here to record me?”

 

Matt pulled a face, and pushed the box forward. “No, Lance. This is just for me. For my own sanity, I guess. Actually, I came here to say sorry, and to burn my documents. All of the evidence of Taylor Croff, including our wedding certificate, all my fake ID’s… everything.”  He set the ipod on the entrance table before cutting open the box, trying to tilt it so Lance could see. “I heard burning stuff makes it easier to let go.” 

 

A pregnant pause went in the room, and Matt grabbed the ipod again. “You tracked me down over 3 states just so I could burn stuff?” Lance asked, crouching down next to the box and looking through all of the documents. Matt was right, everything was there. At least everything he lied about. “Jesus christ, Matt.” 

 

“I- I can leave, if you really want me to. I just wanted that one thing.” 

 

Lance sighed. “No- I mean you’re already here. Let’s just burn your shit and get on with it. I’ll go get a bucket, hold on.” Matt smiled, pulling the letter out and looking at it as soon as Lance was gone. 

 

“One thing huh… I came here for two things. Not one.” Pretty soon, Lance came back in with a metal trash can, some matches, and lighter fluid. 

 

“Were you talking to me?” 

 

“No, I was talking to myself like any completely sane person does from time to time.”

 

“Right…” Lance raised an eye at him but set down the trash can. “Can you put all that in here?” Matt grabbed the box, dumping in all of the documents forged, and Lance began drenching them in lighter fluid, before stepping back and holding the matches. “So, this is it? Our final goodbye to Taylor Croff?” 

 

“Yeah. Our final goodbye to Taylor Croff.” Matt whispered in response, before stepping back so Lance could throw the match in. He lit it, and threw it in the bucket, and as soon as he did the fire practically exploded lit. Lance instinctively grabbed Matt and pulled him closer before realising how wildly inappropriate that was at this time and letting him go, taking a step to the right. 

 

Lance watched for a second as the fire burned before turning to look at Matt. “So… why other than you  _ heard  _ it makes things easier bring all of that here? 2 years of your life are on fire right now.”

 

Matt bit his lip, knowing full well that those two years of his life were just spent lying. Some part of him was fine if he never got them back. “There’s something to the ritual… of you know, setting some old shit on fire, I guess.”

 

After a minute of the fire burning, the smell of burnt plastic got to be too much, and Lance grabbed it and ran and threw it outside as Matt searched frantically for any aerosol spray, which he found in the scent of linen, not entirely that he minded that scent (he was the one who used to buy it for their house, anyway.) 

 

Finally, with the smell gone, Lance crossed his arms, looking at Matt. “So, that’s it. Taylor is gone. A distant memory now. But- what are you supposed to do? You have no documents now. And- and besides that who are you now… who  _ is  _ Matt? Why- why did you create Taylor in the first place?”

 

“I still have my passport.” Matt shrugged, looking at Lance with a bit of a somber expression. 

 

“Your passport? With your real name- Matt Holt. It’s on there?” Lance dropped his guard, for just a second, entirely curious about if it was real or if Matt was just lying again. 

 

“Yeah, uh… here. Open this.” Matt held out the letter to Lance. “For the record, Lance is looking at the envelope I just handed him. Now he is opening it… and taking out the wedding band he left on the counter because he’s a drama queen…. and the 36 questions.” 

 

Lance laughed. “This is… certainly a poetic gesture. The 36 questions caused us to fall in love… and now here they are.”

 

“I just thought… well I know you wanted to know why… and you just said you wanted to know who I am. So I thought that maybe that was our answer. Maybe we could answer them again.” Matt shoved his hands in his pockets, looking down. “Why don’t I go get my passport, to show you proof of existing… and then you can either tell me to fuck off for good or we can answer them?”

 

“Okay… that’s… that’s a good idea. Go get it.” Lance walked into the kitchen, setting down everything on the table, and looking over the items as he heard the door close. He’d grabbed the ipod, too, because in some weird way it did bring him comfort. “So, uh… you came here to burn things and do the 36 questions… good to know.” 

 

He thought about it objectively in a way as he looked at the page with questions. Some of them… some of them he thought just maybe could give him the answers to move on with his life. Understand the man and then be able to get past it. So maybe in some way it was a good idea to. The door opened again, pulling him from his thoughts. “Okay! I got it! Where are you at?” 

 

“I’m in the kitchen!” Lance called back, and seeing Matt walk into the room with a soaking wet now see-through white shirt. “Uh… do you want to change? You’re kinda wet…” 

 

Matt laughed. “Yeah… actually. That would be great. I’ll… just grab a sweatshirt or something old looking. So I’m not ruining everything of yours. It’s second bedroom on the left right? I think you showed me around here once…” 

 

“Yeah. Just up the stairs.” Matt set the passport on the table at that, and went to run up the stairs, and Lance looked in the direction of them. “Okay- Okay before anything… future Matt, if you’re ever listening to this… I want you to know I did not offer for you to change out of the kindness of my own heart. I offered it because for some reason I still… I still love you, and your shirt was see-through. So I may or may not have pictured your body draped over the sofa wearing nothing but your stupid- stupid beanie. But that is besides the point and a completely sane reaction of someone who saw a hot guy in what looked like almost nothing. ANYWAY- I am now going to look at your passport and not think about fucking you.” Lance quickly turned away, staring at it before opening it and taking out the card. Printed there was a picture of Matt, with a lot shorter hair, and the name ‘Matthew Holt’ on there.

 

He had the time to think… wonder about what would’ve happened if Matt hadn’t lied. “Matt… if you do listen to this in the future, were you sorry? I mean you just manage to seem so unapologetic about it like you weren’t sorry that I have to wonder if you are… honestly, I think I’m at the point where maybe if you apologised and explained things I could forgive you if it meant just holding you again-” Lance sighed, looking at the ipod, realising how shameful it was. If Matt ever did listen back hearing Lance shamefully admit missing him.

 

And speak of the devil… “So… do you believe me? That I’m actually a man named Matt Holt?” Lance about jumped out of his skin at the sound of Matt’s voice reappearing. “Oh- uh- sorry. Also, I hope this sweater is okay. I know it’s from your college.”

 

Lance looked over at him, no pictures of nude Matt appearing in his mind. “Yeah, yeah it’s fine. And yes I believe you, Matthew. I cannot believe you used to look like such a dork though.” 

 

“First, don’t call me Matthew, and second, we can’t all be pretty all our life, Lance.” Matt pulled out a chair, sitting across from Lance. “So uh… did you decide what you wanted to do?” 

 

There was just a moment of hesitation before Lance stood up to get a bottle of whiskey and glasses for them. “I’ll answer them I guess. I want to know who exactly you are, but I reserve the right to withdraw and kick you out at any time. 36 questions is a lot.” 

 

“Okay, I’ll agree to that. Um… okay. First question… Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” Matt looked up at Lance expectantly as he poured the whiskey out and walked back to sit at the table. “Anyone in the world, your house, get to know each other. Spill all- who would it be?” 

 

“Uh, fine, my kindergarten best friend. Keith Kogane.” Lance watched as Matt visually froze. “Matt?” 

 

Matt forced out a laugh. “Come on, Lance. Be serious. You did that little voice raise-sigh thing. You’re lying. Who is it?” 

 

Lance frowned before groaning. “Okay- okay- look. Of anyone in the world, literally anyone, my top choices being Madonna, Chris Evans, and my celeb husband Jason Momoa, I- I would want you over for dinner. Matthew Holt. Just so I could ask you questions, mostly why you lied to me. So- so what about you?” 

 

“I think you can guess. I’d want you over for dinner, Lance. Because I miss having you there, and I think dinner is a great place to explain it all.” Matt smiled weakly at him, his mind now reeling with the name of Keith.

 

“Uh… alright then.” Lance paused to take a sip. “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” 

 

Matt shook his head. “No, because people always pry when you’re famous, and I really don’t want that. I… don’t need people finding out everything about me and then telling the world.”

 

“Okay…” Lance fought off a frown, because he’d hear that answer pretty much last time. “Do you remember what I said?”

 

“Yeah, you said you  _ would  _ want to be famous. Cause you wanted to inspire people and meet fans.” Matt answered him, and Lance nodded. 

 

“An unproblematic and inspirational movie star. Ask the next questi-”


	2. Act II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not spell-checked because it's being posted at 4 am but uh
> 
> Warnings this is where most of the angst begins: mentions of death, not-serious suicidal thoughts, and if family trauma is something you don't enjoy I don't recommend reading.

“Hello? Hello- okay it’s on! Hello! This is Matt, here, sitting in the closet of Lance’s bedroom because apparently this house is very broken and the only working outlet exists in here. The ipod died, is kind of what I’m getting at.” Matt sat back after setting the ipod down on his knee. “We only answered questions 3 through 5 before we realized it cut out. Um, question 3, do you ever rehearse a phone call? I said I do if I’m speaking another language, Lance said no. 4, what would constitute a perfect day for you. Lance said going to the beach and spending time with his family, having a nice picnic, loved ones. Stuff like that.”

 

“Hey- don’t you want to remember this stuff? Isn’t that why you brought your little recording and stopped us from answering more of the questions? I said a perfect day would be sleeping in until noon, then going down to the beach and having a nice dinner with my loved ones, family and potential lovers included. Then maybe going and watching a movie or going to the amusement park if it’s a nice day in summer, or if it’s cold skip the picnic and just stay in and cuddle with booze-y hot cocoa.” Lance laughed a bit, and Matt smiled.

 

“Of course I want to remember this… I just- no nevermind.”

 

Lance frowned. “Matt, you’re supposed to be honest tonight. You know, so I can maybe find some ounce of trust for you again or at least want to talk to you without hating myself for it? Come on. Honesty.”

 

Matt tensed up, but figured he was right. “Okay I guess I thought it wouldn’t matter if some day in the future I did get to spend your perfect day with you. Then I could remember it there. Sorry, it’s… stupid. And hella cheesy. And desperate.” 

 

“It is all of those things, but it’s also honest. Tell it what you said your perfect day would be.”

 

“I said my perfect day would be going to a pet shop with the person I loved and adopting a puppy, because I miss my childhood dog more than anything and she’s with my sister, and then seeing a musical. Like… one that nobody knows but we know all the lyrics to and sing them silently in the crowd to each other like dorks.” Matt paused for a second. 

 

“For the record, Matt has this far off dreamy look in his eyes.” Lance muttered in a tone meant to resemble fear and confusion.

 

“No I don’t I was just… I was just thinking. Anyway, question 5, when did you last sing to yourself, and when to someone else. I said I’d last sang to myself blasting hype tunes on the 14 hour drive over here, and someone else when I was still singing hype tunes and trucker pulled up with his window down. Lance said he last sang to himself in the shower the day his sister and her girlfriend let him stay at their house and it was apparently loud enough they heard and Veronica made fun of him for it. That’s all we missed. Now, Lance, your turn.”

 

Lance grabbed the paper, looking over it and taking a sip of an almost finished glass of whiskey. “Alright. Six… if you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?”

 

“I think I’d retain the mind. Keep my wits about me if I’m gonna live that long.” Matt answered, looking at Lance expectantly after.

 

“Body. I may forget things but at least I won’t shit myself unless I get really fucked up.”

 

Matt laughed. “Alright then… um, question 7? Yeah, 7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die. The first time we did this didn’t you say you thought the mafia would kill you one day?”

 

“I did… I’m kind of surprised you remember that. Remember everything you do actually- that was two years ago.” Lance took his final sip before looking at an empty glass and groaning. “You said drowning, last time, didn’t you? Is that still true- because I need more whiskey.”

 

There was a pause as Matt heard the answer back. Drowning, again. “No, it’s not, but you can go ahead and get more. I… I need to think for a minute.”

 

“Wait, Matt, have you been lying about your answers again? Cause now that I think about it all of your answers so far have been the same as Taylor’s, minus the first one, and it’s… if I really think it’s just like you are Taylor. Which I guess I don’t mind, but are you lying now or were you lying then?” 

 

“Neither! Drowning is right but… I just don’t want to think about it right now. Drowning… That’s only one of my answers to that question. The other answer, now, is alone. I think I’ll probably die alone because everyone who I love and have loved doesn’t love me anymore. Are you happy now?”

 

“Matt… you can’t die twice.” Lance laughed, standing up, and he watched Matt freeze again and look down.

 

“Just go get your refill, Lance. I’ll stay here charging my ipod. Won’t move.” Lance left hesitantly, and Matt brought his knees to his chest, sighing. “For the record, you can die twice. It’s a thing. And… I’m beginning to regret presenting these questions to him. It’s been great, the couple of times he smiled and the few laughs… but maybe I should just leave, buy a few buckets of ice cream and cry over him. That… that might be better.”

 

It remained silent for a few moments, minus the quiet sniffled that played over the recording and the muttered curse words. Until the door to the closet slid open again and Lance walked in. “Uh… Matt?” He’d heard some of the sniffling. “Are you okay?”

 

Matt looked up quickly, kind of panicked, stopping himself and trying to calm down as fast as physically possible so Lance wouldn’t see anymore than he already had. “Yeah, I’m fine. You ready to continue with the questions?” Lance nodded and Matt grabbed the paper. 

 

“It’s my turn to ask.” Lance sat back down and Matt muttered ‘oh’ before handing him the paper. “Eight… name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.”

 

“We’ve both watched the Office over 10 times, 8 of which together straight through. We both are really good at Uno. We both say the other is a better cook even though you can’t measure who’s a better cook when comparing two different types of cuisine.” Matt answered, relatively quickly, regaining his sort of dreamy expression.

 

Lance looked down. “Um…” 

 

“Oh come on Lance- you act like you forget everything about me!”

 

“I have to keep reminding myself you’re still… the same person. I keep wanting to open my eyes and see somebody else, somebody who didn’t lie, and then it’s you. Just that everything about you is still the person I fell in love with. It’s… weird.” Lance sighed. “But uh, we both went to the same high school and somehow managed to miss each other for two years. We both love the temperature of 57-74 degrees, anything else is too hot or cold to function… and we both love cuddling on the couch until we fall asleep a tangled mess.” 

 

Matt smiled, laughing. “Right. And All of that is still true about me by the way. Because I am still the person you fell in love with.” Lightening boomed and Matt jumped, Lance grabbing his hand again out of instinct. He let go upon hearing the cracking in the house. Matt looked at his ipod, groaning. “Fuck- it just jumped from 10% to 5… and the power is out. Do you have a charger in your Jeep or something?” 

 

“What? No we aren’t going to go sit in my Jeep just to answer the 36 questions. That’s absurd.” Lance laughed in disbelief as Matt pouted at him, as if he could really see the pout. “We just need the power back on, or this is the universe telling us it’s a bad idea to do these questions and we should st-”

 

\----------

 

“Welcome back, we are live from Blue, Lance’s Jeep. This is your lovely host, Matt Holt here, and we are currently driving around the neighborhood Lance grew up in because I’m under the impression it might’ve been too sexy to just sit there so this Ipod could charge. Where we left off on question 9, which I will be asking.” Matt grabbed the paper, humming as he looked over it. “Okay. For what in life are you most gratefuL?”

 

“Um…” Lance tapped the wheel in thought. “I have a lot in life to be grateful for. You know when your life blows up it kind of makes you aware of all you still have-” 

 

“Amen to that.” 

 

“Uh… my family is great, I have really nice siblings… um my car working right now despite how much it’s been beat up, I have a great job and friends… and the night so far has not been nearly as horrendous as I expected when I opened the door for you earlier.” Lance stated, rather matter of factly. He noticed how Matt paused after all of his words and glanced over to see what caused him to be silent. He was looking at the sheet. “Matt? Are you okay…?”

 

Matt snapped out of it, looking to him with a fake smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Uh, I’m grateful that you let me into your house in the first place… and for second chances. God I’m being cheesy as hell tonight.” 

 

Lance smiled. He missed it- Matt being cheesy, as much as it pained him to think. “No, it’s fine. Will you read question 10 for me? I’m currently operated a moving vehicle and all.”

 

There was that hesitation again and Lance didn’t know what question it was holding Matt up. But he cleared his throat and spoke. “Yeah. Question 10… to me. If you were able to change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? Um…” Matt remained silent as he thought, already fighting away tears. These questions were a bad idea- he should’ve bought the damn ice cream. “Can… am I allowed to say literally everything?” 

 

“Last time you said you wished your parents weren’t dead.”

 

“Great memory, Lance. So glad you remembered that about me.” 

 

“Is that not true anymore?”

 

“Uh- yeah, I am putting my answer, on the record, as everything.”

 

“Wait- I’m realizing your parents could actually be alive- are your parents alive?” Lance turned to look at him as they sat at a stop light, seeing the expression Matt wore. “Did they even ever get in a car wreck?” 

 

Matt glanced over once to see Lance looking at him but quickly looked away. “Yes. they were in a wreck, but only my dad died and my mom came out of it with a wrist injury. She had to wear a handbrace.”

 

“A hand brace- only one. I- I know how horribly rude and insensitive that sounds but who tells someone on the first date that their parents are dead?!” 

 

“Someone who  _ really  _ didn’t want you to pry or go searching for the one that’s alive. Trust me, Lance, that whole situation is an absolute disaster.”

 

Lance scoffed. “Trust you?” 

 

“Yes! Trust me!” 

 

“So then why’d you lie about both of them being dead?” 

 

“Ask me what you’re supposed to!” Matt tilted the paper so he could see, Lance glancing over to see and reading it. 

 

“Alright, question 10, if you were able to change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?”

 

Matt hesitated again, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “My father died when I was 5, and it was just me and my mom for a while. I was really little, it sucked, but as I got older at least I wasn’t attached. 3 years later my mom remarried, and my step-mom brought her son with her. Keith Kogane, your kindergarten best friend is- was my brother.”

 

“Was?”

 

“Tut- he was a year younger than me and we were extremely close. Pidge didn’t like him as much, but I guess she was still only 5 when Keith came around and was incredibly untrusting. Kept to herself. Still does. Our moms were happy though so I guess she kept out of it, for as much as a 5 year old could’ve even gotten involved. But Keith and I? We were close as brothers could be, until two years later, summer. I was 10, he was 9. We were at one of those lakes in the forest, getting much needed sunlight and we were roughhousing around… trying to shove each other under the water as kids do. I was a scrawny little shit back then and Keith managed to grab my shoulders and shove me under.

 

“I lied telling him I could breathe underwater for 2 minutes, used to brag, so he put that to the test, I guess. I passed out at some point, unable to breath and… I remember hearing something about Keith pulled me up after 2 minutes and said he had to run to the bathroom and left me there alone, and I think I collapsed back into the water. Nobody was around or knows what all happened but when they found me I was dead. I guess he pulled me up onto land but I never really got the water out of my system, 10 minutes had gone by. Paramedics were called and I was taken to the hospital. 

 

“After that for the next 8 years of my life until I graduated the family tore apart. Keith blamed himself, even though I didn’t and I overheard him multiple nights wanting to run away because he was a murderer, trying to convince my step-mom to leave. Pidge was innately protective of me and my mom and she wanted them to leave too, and they fought about it a lot, to the point where Keith ran off one night and when we found him he said that being around me was a constant reminder of what he’d done, I think Pidge went to him privately and accused him of coming to kill us at night. Pidge and I were sent off to live at our aunt’s but I tried to defend Keith saying he hadn’t done anything wrong, and neither of them were having it… it was like for my mom’s to be happy they had to get rid of us, kept Keith around cause he had nowhere else to go. 

“My aunt blamed everything on Keith and Krolia and called her sister, my mom, a terrible mother, and I spent 6 years in that toxic household until eventually I graduated and I left for good, never looking back. The day I turned 18 I packed up what little I kept and walked straight out the door. I never tried talking to any of them, my moms, my aunts, my siblings, nobody until I was 24 and out of college. I called my mom, but our interactions were strained because she hadn’t been there for half my life and I guess Keith or Pidge or probably my aunts made it seem like I hated her. After the call with her I got one from my aunt telling me that I abandoned my family and never to contact them again because I was the reason it all fell apart. That if I contacted my mom again they were on the brink of divorce and I could ruin everything. I think… my aunt was the one driving them there, if it’s even true.” 

 

A silence followed as Matt wiped at his eyes, trying to stop himself from sobbing uncontrollably at the moment. “The light… the light changed.” He muttered as Lance finally looked away from him and to it. 

 

“Oh…” Lance pulled the Jeep forward, turning the corner, and finding an empty parking lot, pulling to a stop. 

 

Matt sighed, putting the hood up and trying to lean back as if he could just hide and disappear into nothingness.. “That was… way too much. This was a bad idea- if you want to take us back to the house I’ll get in my car and just go.”

 

“Matt- no… uh- just… let me get this straight. You… drowned?”

 

He turned to see Lance through his hair that was now a mess over his eyes. “Yeah. I was dead for… I think 17 minutes. Spoiler, death sucks, but I’m not afraid of it, because I have a point of reference…” 

 

“Alright… I’m sorry, Matt. I’m sorry that your family was so- so messed up. That you were just on your own because of something that was really nobody’s fault.” 

 

“Well, you don’t get to pick. You were the first person I let into my life after that, and I went and screwed that all up too.” 

 

Lance reached over, pulling Matt into a tight hug. He didn’t mind when Matt gripped his shirt tightly. Instead he just continued to hold Matt for a while. At least in the time they stayed there Lance had time to think. If he’d heard that on their first date he wasn’t sure what he’d do… that was a lot. But at least Matt was being honest now, and realistically saying both his parents were dead must’ve been a lot easier than reliving all of that. 

 

Matt sat back, detaching himself from Lance, he still . “Sorry about all of that. Um… what about you? Is there something you’d change about your childhood?” 

 

It was a bit of a shock when Matt still asked, mostly because Lance had pretty much forgotten about the questions by now. “Uh- I guess… I wish I wasn’t raised so trusting.” 

 

“Honest, and I feel like that’s my fault… so I’m sorry about that.” Matt sighed, looking back at the questions. “Oh god- oh okay question 11 take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. I’ve uh- heard this before, so I won’t time you.” 

 

“That makes a lot of sense, actually. Um… okay, I uh, I was born around here with a big family, 3 siblings, lived here for most my life until my family moved to Iowa, and after I graduated I dated this really weird guy for a few years, you remember him I introduced you once when he was trying to flirt with me at a fancy party, Lotor, lost my virginity to him when I was 20, then uh after we stopped dating I moved out to Maryland where I eventually met you. We dated for a few months before we got married, which everyone said was a bad idea because we were going too fast, lived a happy two years of bliss before I found out you’d lied to me about practically everything and my life blew up. I think that about covers it.” Lance tapped nervously on the wheel again before turning to look at Matt. “What about you? What’s your story- your true honest story?” 

 

A pause followed, a very understandable pause. “Uh… well, I was born in Colorado, my dad died when I was 5 and we moved out here, my mom remarried when I was 8… I drowned when I was 10… got shipped away to my aunt’s when I was 12, lived in that shithole of a household until I was 18 where I moved out as fast as I could, couldn’t manage to make any friends or lovers or anyone because I have… issues, lost my virginity in a one-night stand when I was 19, got out of college and spent my time travelling from state to state picking up odd jobs, got officially banned from my family at 24, and went on hopping from place to place lone wolf style until I happened to meet you. When you asked me on a first date I was so infatuated I got afraid that I’d scare you if you knew who I really was, because I come with so much baggage nobody wants to stay, created Taylor Croff quite literally on the way to the coffee shop you invited me to and just… changed the details, so you wouldn’t have to ask or hate who I was. Created a better version of myself.” Matt hesitated, and Lance saw him fiddling with the hoodie. “Created a person who I could really love.

 

“I wanted so desperately to cling onto who Taylor was because he was a better person than I could ever be… I guess I turned into a compulsive liar out of fear and eventually… you found out who I really was. You know they say your life flashes before your eyes when you die. It certainly didn’t the first time but when you asked me about ‘Matt Holt’ it did. Anyway, you disappeared without a trace and I tracked you down after two weeks and here we are, sitting in your Jeep answering the 36 questions as I now reveal and relive all the trauma I tried so hard to keep hidden from you. That’s my life.” 

 

Lance didn’t say anything, just looking out the window now. “It stopped raining.” Matt looked out and he guessed it had, though for how long it would remain like that was uncertain. “Come on, let’s get out there’s a beach of sorts near here.”

 

Matt almost laughed, then almost protested to ask why Lance was changing the topic, but it kind of proved as a welcome change. He unplugged the Ipod, stepping out and hunching into the hoodie, following Lance down to the beach, watching as the wind whipped and the trees shook and the water rippled. It was beautiful, in a way.

 

His attention was called from the scenery as Lance kicked wet sand, huffing. “When I saw those questions you know I expected all of your answers to be like… I’m some secret prince or I’m just an asshole who likes lying type of stories. Or for you to lie again. Mostly the lying part… I didn’t expect you’d even apologise or regret any of what you did or think you had an actual reason that made… sense to want to hide.”

 

“Well, I’m a broken man with nothing left to lose. My car is paid off so I’ll probably end up sleeping in it again for a while since thanks to a depressive state I lost the job I was working at. Besides it’s better than an empty house. I can certainly always chase people off with the knowledge I’m broke and living in my car rather than my childhood.” Matt shrugged, resuming looking at the water. 

 

Even though he knew it shouldn't’, some part of Lance hurt at that. At the notion that Matt had made a decision they were over. So he did what any impulsive guy would and grabbed Matt’s cheeks, pulling him in for a kiss. Matt acted with no recoil, instead leaning more into Lance and the kiss. Lance pulled back with a shaky breath, because  _ his heart soared.  _ He still loved Matt, even though everything- maybe more.

 

“What- what was that for?” 

 

“I don’t know-” Yes he did. “Old times sake?” 

 

“We should get back to the Jeep. It looks like it’s going to start raining again soon.” Matt turned on his heel, heading back towards it. Lance had to wonder if Matt felt anything with it- felt love.

 

\----------

 

“This is Lance… McClain. Um, we’re currently in a motel and Matt is in the bathroom, so I’m just waiting on him to continue the questions… so I guess uh… we wait?” Lance looked at the Ipod, grabbing it and bringing it up closer, lowering his voice to a whisper. “I have since thought about what the hell I’m going to do once we finish these questions. I- I think… maybe I’d like to meet him again? Just start over, and say hi I’m Lance what’s your name… and I don’t know after that.” 

 

The door to the bathroom opened, and Lance practically chucked the IPod back on the bed. “And here is our second host: Matthew Holt!”

 

Matt laughed, walking over to sit next to him. “ Hello to the adoring voices in my head. Let’s see- where did we leave off…” He grabbed the paper, looking it over. “Oh, uh, question 12. Your turn to ask, Lance.” 

 

“Okay, if you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?” Lance looked up from the paper to watch Matt’s expression. “Last time you’d said that you wanted jumper powers didn’t you? From that movie? Just… because you liked how they weren’t flight or invisibility.”

 

“Mm, yeah I suppose. That still stands I think, enough anyway. Though uh, truth be told I think shape shifting would be nice… then I could turn into anything I wanted. I’m a pretty good liar as you’ve found out. I could just assume a new identity without the tragic backstory.” Matt laughed, grabbing the whiskey and pouring himself a coffee mug with very melted ice cubes to compliment. “You said last time that you’d want to have the qualities of a hero, didn’t you?”

 

Lance nodded. “Something like that. Nowadays though it’d have to be the ability to read minds. So even if you magically shapeshift into someone else I’d still know it’s you. Plus I know what people actually think about me and also what lies they tell.” He shot a pointed look at Matt. 

 

“I deserved that.” Matt grabbed the page from Lance, searching for the 13th question. “Well, 13 than. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?”

 

A moment of silence passed as Lance thought about it. So many questions ran through his head every single day and now he had to pick one of them. “Does it all turn out alright in the end, I think. Or maybe… do I live a happy life. I think that one actually. Who really cares about what happens in between as long as I enjoyed the years. What about you?”

 

“Maybe… what happens after this? After the questions I mean. My life’s so full of uncertainty this is the one thing I happen to have right now and the only question I’ve got. Oh, uh, the questions seem to get shorter after this next one so I guess it’s speedround time.”

 

Matt handed him the sheet, and Lance looked them all over. They did seem to get shorter, and Lance could easily guess most of Matt’s answers to some of them. “Fair enough. 14… is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it yet?”

 

“Do I even have any regrets like that- fuck… I mean, everything I wanna do now is short time stuff. I guess… I want to see my moms again. Catch up and apologise for everything… I’ve heard they started a little flower business together to I guess… escape from the family too, who knows. Pidge probably got herself sorted out and I kind of wonder what ever happened to Pidge and Keith…” The sentiments came with a forced half-hearted laugh. “Anyway, yeah, just catch up with my moms and make sure they know I don’t hate them. Why I haven’t done it yet? Well I tried reaching out before and it went like shit so I’ve been pretty discouraged. What about you?” 

 

Lance had to take a second, probably thanks to how his mind was running about how maybe he could contact them for Matt but- then again he still didn’t even know if he’d remain talking to Matt at the end of everything. “We cleared my bucket list when we were together so I’m not sure how much that leave… but I’ve been wanting to take a trip out to Cuba and see my Abuelita for quite a bit. I was planning to, and I was going to ask you to come with but then I found out everything so the plans have been pushed back.”

 

“Sorry… uh, question 15.” Matt quickly scanned and moved on, trying to push any guilt down again. “What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?” 

 

“I’m going to use the original. Being the best at Mario Kart and beating all my siblings without fail.”

 

“Right. The greatest accomplishment of my life has got to be the fact I managed to get you to talk to me and go about with the questions tonight. Your turn.” 

 

It was an interesting thing. Lance noticed the extent at which Matt had lied the first time now that his answers were honest, and painful. If Matt had answered honestly the first time Lance thought now that he and Matt… he didn’t think they’d have gotten as close as they did right away, they would’ve never gotten married would they? It would’ve saved a lot of anguish for Lance, but Matt… 

 

“16. What do you value most in friendship?”

 

Matt laughed at the question. “I guess dependability. Knowing someone will always be there for you…”

 

“Honesty.” Lance cracked a twisted smile. “Kind of funny… how ironic the answers are.” 

 

“I guess so. Um… what is your most treasured memory?” 

 

And then Lance felt how sad- how monotone Matt’s voice had become. It failed to show the same excitement and giddiness as it did when they started. He  _ knew  _ Matt, he  _ knew _ how he acted. For him to suddenly stop being excited about something… “My family’s road trip from Florida to California one year because we had to take everyone and flying would’ve been oddly more expensive. Best and worst experience of my life. You?”

 

Matt paused. What did he really honestly treasure…? “The day I met you. I don’t know what it was, but when I met you I thought maybe I wouldn’t be alone anymore after you. I had hope.”

 

This time Lance didn’t hesitate- he could move through the questions… he was getting distracted by feelings that shouldn’t be there. “What is your most terrible memory?” 

 

“The call I got from my aunt telling me never to contact anyone again. Seconded by the day you found out I lied… when I watched you leave the look on your face.” That time Matt didn’t hesitate either. As if he’d been thinking about that one forever.

 

Lance stopped for just a second, just to slow down the air of the room. “The day I found out you lied… explaining all of that to my family and convincing them not to come marching to kill you with flames and pitchforks was a miracle. At least Veronica had a spare house… and icecream.” He looked at Matt for just a second, before blurting it. “Matt, look if you don’t want to do the questions any more we can stop I won’t be mad-”

 

“No! No- no you’re fine. I’m fine… I came up with this plan a 4 am on the interstate. Presenting you with the questions anyway.” Matt yawned, one that Lance wasn’t entirely sure if it was real or fake. “I’m… tired. It’s like 1 am isn’t it? We should probably go to bed.”

 

“There’s only one bed.”

 

“So? I don’t mind sleeping on the floor. I can just steal a pillow from this one and I’ll be fine.” He reached over to grab it, and Lance grabbed his hand instead. 

 

“Matt, come on. The floor doesn’t… you shouldn’t have to sleep on it. I can sleep out in my truck and you can have the bed or vice-versa… I mean you’d probably contract and STD just from laying down.” 

 

A fair and true statement. But Matt just shook his head. “I’m fine with the floor, Lance. Q-Question 19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?”

 

Of course Matt would interrupt him like that. Lance sighed, thinking it over. “I guess I’d just do whatever the hell I wanted. I mean I’d avoid getting locked up of course, at least until the final week. I was always curious was jail was like but… I don’t know. I wouldn’t care what people thought of me as much, because who cares I’ll be dead. I’d live my life however the hell I wanted to. I mean I’d be dead soon so who cares right it’s easier-”

 

“Dying… you mean?” 

 

“Wha- no that’s not what I meant. I don’t want to die. It’s- I just- it seems a lot easier to die than explaining to my whole family why you’re back into my life.” 

 

“I’m… back in your life? Are you letting me back in is that what you’re saying, Lance?” 

 

“What do you mean..?” 

 

“Are you bringing me back in to your life… is this a we’re back together type of thing?” 

 

Lance felt an array of emotions run through him. Hope- joy- a general sense of completion and happiness.  _ The kiss meant something.  _ But then he remembered everything- his family, the crushing feeling the day he found out that Matt lied to him about his past… his heart felt like it was ripping in two- brain splitting. Did he really want to let Matt back in, the honest Matt who was right in front of him when he was so worried that Matt wasn’t who he said he was… though admittedly if Matt was making up any part of what he’d said tonight Lance was certain to be gone for good… but did he leave now? “Um…  I- I still don’t know. It’s undecided.” 

 

“You kissed me when we were by the lake. You let me in and you burned all my documents and-”

 

“Well I mean you kind of told me to do those last two! Let me tell you my plan for today didn’t include seeing you again and going on this wild trip with you!”

 

“I didn’t tell you to kiss me.” 

 

That was Lance, 100% Lance and he damn well knew it. Kissing Matt impulsively on a whim of hope maybe he could just have a nice life back. “I… I need a moment by myself. Off the record.” 

 

Matt shriveled back, slinking off of the bed. “Right. Sorry… I thought the kiss meant something.” 

 

“Matt… we need to face reality here, I should’ve just said no, earlier. Let you fly on your own. In reality I still love you but I can’t have you. I promised my family that I wouldn’t ever hear you out and here I am, hearing you out… I- I just wanted to know why you lied and I let it cloud my judgement… and I strung you along. So I’m sorry, for stringing you along, tonight, Matt. I shouldn’t have done it and I guess I have a good enough idea to sate myself but… I’ve gotta face the reality that comes with it.” Matt heard the jingle of keys, not daring to look over the side of the bed. 

 

“Lance-” tears pricked at his eyes again, and Matt hurt so bad for it.  _ Why did he even say anything- stupid stupid stupid!  _ “-you weren’t stringing me along-” The door already slammed closed by the wind as he started. Outside was the Jeep’s engine kicking in and it backing up and leaving. Matt was powerless as to stopping it and the tears started to drip down his cheeks and on falling onto the paper of questions. “Fuck- fuckity- fuck-  _ fuck.”  _

 

Alone.

 

The feeling that followed even through the vents which played carried the sounds from tv’s playing old episodes of Seinfeld on them. 

 

The best and only word to describe how he felt was alone. 

 

His plan failed, and Lance left, again, and once again he had no-one. How many people did he even know in his life… how many kicked him out of it. 

 

“19…” Matt sniffled, wiping at his tears. “If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? Well, fuck if I know. I could jump off a cliff tomorrow and nobody would particularly care would they? Maybe I’d chase Lance down, give him a hug and a kiss and say good luck for the rest of your life I’ll be out of it. Say fuck all to my family and go see my moms… my moms… they’d beat me if they knew this was where I was in life. Maybe that’s what I need- deserve.”


	3. Act III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited, because it's taken me w a y too long, oops

“Well, um… it’s morning.” Matt began, sighing as he looked around the highway. “A very shitty morning, but morning nonetheless. I’ve… taken some paper from the motel and written out a note because I guess it’s over or something and I feel like this is something I have to do. Currently I’m walking along the highway back to Lance’s house because that’s where my car is and Lance left me alone crying in a motel room. Not the first time except at least I had a clean bed and icecream last time.” 

 

A long pause followed, just the sounds of cars passing and birds chirping as he walked. At least it wasn’t too far- 10 miles wasn’t… that bad. He’d walked further. Of course, under much different circumstances but still. 10 miles was 10 miles. He wanted to talk to the ipod, to just say something but his thoughts were more of a mess than he was, which was a pretty great accomplishment to say the least. 

 

\-----------

 

“This is a pretty great surprise. Thank you Matt! I get you’re trying to be all poetic or whatever, leaving the ipod here and this note- god this note. ‘Dear Lance, enclosed is my ipod with the recording on it, and the answers to all the questions 1-19 from both of us. Though I don’t blame you for leaving at all, some part of me still hopes you’ll want to come back. All of my contact information is on the ipod, if you’re interested for any reason. If you want to finish the questions. Sincerely, Matt.’ that is one hell of a way to give your goodbye. I’m going to figure out your address or call you or something and give you back the damn thing because I don’t want it.” 

 

\----------

 

“Okay.” Lance groaned, leaning back in his chair. “Well, it’s been a week and I still haven’t called you, but I can’t stop thinking about you, so I’m back to square one trying to forget about you. I just… I don’t get it? How can you be  _ this  _ stuck in my head when I hate you! I- I think I hate you. Fuck, who am I kidding I love you. I shouldn’t but I do.”

 

Possibly a minute passed with the record recording silence, maybe a bird chirp or two. “So… what am I supposed to even do?” Lance finally begun again. “I mean… I could just call, and we could finish the questions, and then I can force myself to not think about you, just keep distracting myself. I mean, maybe we keep talking or something… you were always nice, and honest whenever it came to most everything besides your backstory and name… and I mean you’re not a serial killer! Fuck- and you know if I told my family without preparing a  _ lot  _ of explanations I’ll be dead.”

 

\------------

 

Lance grabbed his phone, shakily holding a finger over Matt’s contact entitled “DO NOT LOOK AT OR CALL OR TEXT EVER” mind reeling. “Okay- okay it’s been two weeks since my last message… I decided I’m going to finish the questions with Matt- tomorrow, hopefully…” He tapped the number on it, seeing it ring and setting it on speaker.  “Oh my god I can’t believe I’m doing this... okay, okay I’m going to leave the recording on, because I’m kind of panicking right now. It’s ringing- it’s ringing- Hi- Matt! Hello...”

 

_ “Who… is this?” _

 

“It’s Lance! McClain… I’m uh, calling because I read the letter and I- I want to finish the questions.” 

 

_ “Oh- oh! Okay… um, one question.”  _

 

“Anything.”

 

_ “Do you want to finish the questions for the questions, or because you get that empty lurking feeling when you don’t finish a list?”  _

 

“I want to finish them for them! I- I want to get to know you, Matt. And I know 36 questions is a shit start now but I’m still looking for answers and I think I can find them… I just need to answer the questions, with you.” 

 

_ “Okay… then 4:30, at the west Applebee’s down by IHop, tomorrow.”  _

 

“It’s a date- or um- that’s perfect!” Matt laughed before the phone hung up, and immediately as it did Lance threw his hands up, starting to laugh himself. 

 

\----------

 

4:30 pm on the dot, and Lance was at the Applebee’s. He couldn’t tell you why there were butterflies in his stomach that made him feel like he was about to throw up, but they were plenty there. It was off character though, for Lance to bee on time, so he sat in his car for 9 minutes before finally getting out and settling himself to walk inside. 

 

When he finally sat down at the table was when he pulled out the phone, turning on the recorder. “Hello, this is Lance… and Matt. Matt’s here, I’m sitting in front of him and we're about to get started on the questions again. Um... Matt do you wanna say hi?"

 

Matt laughed at him. "You're a lot more into this recording thing all of a sudden. But... hello, Matt here." 

 

Lance cracked a smile, humming and tapping his fingers on the table. "Well, I guess I'd been thinking a lot more about it than I expected so- anyway I don't know. Um... where have you been staying for the past 3 weeks?"

 

"That's not one of the questions." 

 

"I know but I'm curious! And... kind of concerned. Just answer and we'll start."

 

"Okay okay, fine. I've been staying at an old friend of mine's house- Romelle. She... she's one of the only people that actually knew about about my family, kind of. When I was little she stayed over at my aunt's house for a while because her parents and brother were killed and I found out she lives in the area. She was one of the only people I ever talked to outside of my family during that time of my life and I called her up and I've been staying there for a bit." 

 

A moment of silence passed between them. Was it weird Lance's heart sunk over a man he's supposed to only be here to get the answers to some questions from? Surely not. Lance pursed his lips and pulled out the questions, looking them over. “Well… right, so we were on question 20. What does friendship mean to you?” 

 

The first question and it was already a hard hitter. “Okay… friendship uh… someone who sticks by me, I guess. People who don’t lie, ironic I know… just supportive… and trustworthy.” 

 

Lance smiled. “Like you said, ironic, but honest. Friends to me is truthful, supportive, trustworthy, all like you said, and then a shoulder to cry on, someone who knows everything about you… who you are, what you like. Stuff like that.”

 

“Okay then… 21, what roles do love and affection play in your life?” Matt looked up at Lance, sipping his drink with curious eyes.

 

“Affection plays a pretty big role in my life… and love did… for a while. I want it to play a role in my life again… preferably permanently.” 

 

Matt nodded, sighing. “Affection played a big role in my life between my birth and 5 ½, and it hadn’t much since. Love I miss but you know what it was the greatest years of my life. I fucked up so we’ll see if it’s something I deserve, hm?” Lance pouted, thinking back to everything- of course Matt deserved love, if he didn’t lie about everything… 

 

“So 22?” Matt nodded at the question. “Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items. I’ll start… the way you always would run out into our backyard as soon as it started raining like a kid hearing an ice cream truck.”

 

Lance couldn’t help but smile again. “How soft your hair is and how you’d just let me untangle it with full trust not to tug on it after Nadia and Slyvio would mess it up…”

 

“Two, you refuse to let anyone see you with your natural curls and everytime I teased you about it you’d get so defensive and ha this adorable little pout…”  

 

“Very detailed. You’re the smartest person I’ve ever met… and you fixed everything and saved us a lot of money. It’s desirable.”

 

“Sure… you have a beautiful singing voice.”

 

“Oh- really digging deep there I see.” Lance snorted, watching as Matt really smiled for the first time. “I always thought you’d make a good dad.” 

 

Matt blinked, processing that statement. “Good… to know… well, your uncompromising loyalty… it’s endearing.” 

 

“And easy to take advantage of… um…” Lance laughed. “How your keys would always be in your pocket and you’d go mad searching the house trying to find them.” 

 

“I am being put on blast here… okay then. Final one… I love your laugh. How genuine it is and how you smile when you laugh. Final one for you?” 

 

Lance drummed his fingers on the table, looking Matt over. There was so many things he loved about Matt still. “When you would just grab my waist and spin me around and we’d dance, humming tunes… at any time of day in any room there was space… it was romantic. Made some married friends jealous.” A pause followed, Lance taking a sip before looking at the questions. “How close and warm is your family? Do you think you have a happier childhood than most people? Oh…” 

 

“Short answer, not at all… to me at least, and no.” Matt laughed, but Lance saw the way his eyes fell saying that and pulled his jacket closer, as if trying to hide. 

 

“Um… they’re very close… and present company included yes.” Lance reached his hand across the table, placing it on Matt’s. Matt didn’t pull away, instead Lance felt the little shakes that ran through him. 

 

Matt smiled weakly, not really trying to hide it anymore and the night rushing back to him and all the trauma before it. “R-right… question 24. How do you feel about your relationship… with your mother. Well that’s obvious.” 

 

Lance felt him shake again, and Lance tried avoiding looking at him. “It was tense for a bit because I didn’t listen to her about you… but it’s great. Make three ‘we’ statements each. For instance, ‘We are both in this room feeling…” 

 

“Okay. We are both complete dorks… I feel like we both regret doing these questions on some level, and we both miss it… being married. Am I right?” 

 

“Yes, yes you are. Okay… then we’re both nervous… we’re both excited, and we’re both here to finish the damn questions.” 

 

“That’s a cop out answer if I’ve ever heard one.” Matt snorted, scoffing. 

 

“Well you’ve gotten kind of hard to read Matt.” 

 

Matt pursed his lips, looking at Lance confused. “I’ve gotten hard to read? Lance I am the same person you fell in love with just with a whole ‘nother later of trauma. If I’m ‘hard’ to read it’s because apparently my facade fooled you that I’m such a happy person and that’s kind of been crumbling recently thanks to reliving all of that. Let’s just finish this.” He pulled his hand finally from Lance’s looking at the paper instead. It hurt. “Continue this sentence: ‘I wish that I had someone with whom I can share… everything.” 

 

For some reason it it Lance hard- maybe it was because after learning about his family, Lance was pretty sure he really did know everything about Matt, but then he didn’t have Matt, and Matt didn’t have him.

 

“I wish that I had someone with whom I can share everything. Too.” Lance turned the paper gently, reading them over. Worry was starting to hit him as he realised how close they actually were to being done. “Question 27… if you were to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.”

 

“My name is Taylor Croff.” Matt smiled at Lance, and Lance frowned. Matt really had gotten hard to read. “I don’t know, I guess that I’m distant from my family and don’t want to contact or be involved with them. No questions.” 

 

“Right… I’d want for them to know that I’m a total flirt and will use terrible pickup lines on them and they don’t get a choice in that.” Lance watched the corners of Matt’s mouth pick up and quickly dropped. “Gotta test em out somewhere first.”

 

Matt sighed, remembering all the lines Lance used on him. He just looked at the  questions, trying to distract himself. “Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.”

 

“I like… I like how gentle you always are, and how genuine you always sound… and how you always played 60’s music softly in the kitchen to let me sleep… and how nice you were with my family, and how even if your face says nothing your eyes say worlds, and… you always had a pickup line to respond to me like you just knew.” Lance stared almost dreamily as he thought about it, stopping himself before he went too far. 

 

“That all?”

 

“That’s all I’ll say.” 

 

“Alright.” Matt looked down, then back up at him. “I like how animated you are, like you carry yourself different based on your moods and you always flail your hands around and you pout when you’re upset… and how in the mornings you’re just a mess of hair. I like that when you wake up first you woke me up by braiding my hair together into beards and moustaches… it was cute.” He laughed, staring at the ice cubes in his drink.

 

Lance smiled, looking at the next question. “Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.” 

 

Both of them took a minute, picking the moment. Lance had about a million to pick from and Matt had less than 100. “Um… that prank you tried to pull on Shiro! Dying his hair blue with shaving cream and I feel in and got dyed blue for almost a week.” 

 

“Oh my god-!” Lance laughed. He still had photos on his computer in a locked folder of that. “Uh- okay okay, same one but it’s still playing Eliza in a terrible highschool performance.” And yes, Veronica still had the video of that.

 

Matt smiled; he had a copy of that video. “Alright… 7 left. Uh, when did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?” 

 

“Let’s see… I think the last time I cried in front of someone else was when I was crying to my family about you… and by myself was thinking back about you in the last 3 weeks… I can’t remember what night.” Lance confessed, seeing Matt’s eyes shift from hesitant almost to perplexed. 

 

He didn’t ask. “Last time I cried in front of someone else was Romelle these past weeks, alone was in the motel.” 

 

The same effect happened to Lance, because he didn’t realise… of course. He knew Matt was upset but he also knew Matt probably cried himself to sleep now. “Oh… next one- um- tell your partner something that you like about them already.” 

 

“What can I say? Everything, as much as it hurts sometimes. I mean, one thing… you’re here.” Matt tapped on the table, anxious now. They were on the 31st question, almost done, almost decision time. 

 

Lance looked Matt over. His answer was the same in retrospect, because he missed him still. “You’ve been honest. Despite the painful truth you’ve been honest and except for your name and backstory… you always were.” 

 

Matt looked down. “I’m trying. 32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?” 

 

“Hm… I think my answer stands. Really serious stuff that affects people… like genocides, and things that are targeted offensive.” 

 

“Fair enough. I mean I think life’s a joke, but at the same time I’m not forcing that ideology on anyone else so…” 

 

They stared at the final questions for a bit, considering the options. Lance’s options were to leave or let Matt back in… and Matt’s options were non-existant. He wasn’t going to pursue Lance if he wanted to leave, and he was more than happy to return if for some miracle reason Lance wanted him back. 

 

“So then… If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?” Lance looked up at Matt, wondering of anything what Matt was about to say- because there was a lot he thought he could… or might. 

 

Matt stared idly in thought, pouting. “I’d regret not telling you everything sooner. I’d regret not telling you how much of a family you and everyone was… I guess I’d regret not telling my mom’s I love them after everything. I just told you your stuff but them… well you know why I haven’t talked to them.” 

 

“I’d regret not telling my family about seeing you again, not telling them I understand you a lot better than I ever did and I respect it. I haven’t told them because I don’t know what’s going to happen when the questions end, and I guess it’s a story for christmas years later, because I certainly don’t want to face them now.” Lance answered with a bit of a sigh. It was sad, in some way, that was his answer… because when even would he ever tell them?

 

Lance looked up at him, trying to focus on the questions. Matt looked them over, reading the next one, “Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?”

 

“A photo I keep locked in a journal, in a box, in a drawer.” 

 

“Oh-?” Matt raised an eye. “What’s on this photo that’s so special?” 

 

“I’m not telling you. Maybe you’ll find out one day. I’ll give it to you in like 15 years.” 

 

“Okay- okay fine. Keep your secrets. I’d save the stringline I kept pictures pinned on, the one of me and my dad and mom right after Pidge was born, the one with both moms, Pidge, and Keith… and that hideous christmas photo with your family. It’s one item, technically.” 

 

Telling him what was on the photo’s was entirely Matt’s ploy to attempt to get Lance to give up what was on his photo, but Lance didn’t budge. But, for the record, the photo Lance kept was of him and Matt kissing at their wedding.

 

“Mmm- okay my turn. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?”

 

Another one that took a minute of thought, because Matt didn’t even really know his family, did he? “Assuming I’d be told my mom’s, Colleen. She’s… well she was the only one I talked to, and she made an effort… so hers.” 

 

“Well I’d like to think you  _ would  _ be told, probably by a morgue. Either way… you’re in the clear, and that’s a good thing. As for me… my mom’s too. I’m a momma’s boy what can I say?” 

 

Matt laughed at him. “That you certainly are.” He then looked down, one final question. “Okay-” he cleared his throat, “well, final question. Share a personal problem and ask for your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the chosen problem. So, Lance, what’s your problem?” 

 

Lance looked down, then up, then took a drink and tapped his nails on the table… “I… what do I do? When this is done? When we’ve both answered this question?” 

 

He watched Matt eye him, giving him a once-then-twice over. “I don’t know. I figure that whatever you decide I want to respect it, assuming that this is it for us. If it’s not, well I guess that’s why I brought the questions in the first place, isn’t it? And how you feel… I think you’re distressed. Not just about this, about me, because I know you, and you’ve already made up your mind. You’re afraid of what comes after.” 

 

“Well… fuck. It’s- you’re not wrong, I guess. I think if we tossed a coin one of the options I couldn’t respect; I’d regret it… So what’s your problem, than?” 

 

“A problem I’m having… how do I forget again? Last time I forgot all of that it was because I had nothing, I could change whoever the hell I was and go by whatever alias I fancied for the day… but now I’ve told you. You know all of that, and I think that whenever I think of you I wonder if I can handle it, and I’m not sure.”

 

  
“Taylor Croff is dead, we burned him in a trashcan.” Lance began, watching Matt laugh almost sarcastically. “But Matt Holt isn’t. The universe tried once and you kept on living. I don’t know what will help, when it hits you, you have to talk about it though, before it overtakes you. I don’t know who, and I can’t tell you what to say but… the way you’re feeling about it? You look like you’re wondering who are are now, because you’ve accepted the name Matt Holt, not another, and that name comes with a weight you can’t push off.” 

 

Matt nodded, because it was right. His name came with a psychological weight. “So… what now? Aren’t we supposed to look into each other's eyes for four minutes?”

 

“Yeah… uh, get a timer up.” Lance went to grab his phone but Matt already had it set on the table. “Okay, four minutes of silence.”

 

As soon as the timer begun it felt like the world had stopped. But then Matt found himself lost again in Lance’s eyes, and Lance found himself no longer searching for answers in Matt’s, because he’d gotten what he wanted. But he didn’t know what he really wanted, not really. He had an idea, a word on a page almost. 

 

The first minute took the longest, silence between the two and the clatter of dishes and dining in the background. Then, the next 3 minutes went much faster. Answers found and no questions left to ask… what was it that they were supposed to do? Lance saw in Matt’s eyes how much he missed seeing them, waking up next to them, how they smiled. Matt was the one person he loved still, and Matt confessed everything. Lance believed him.

 

Finally Matt’s timer went off and they both sat back with a sigh. That was all. This was it. Lance looked up at Matt again, seeing those golden eyes… Lance reached his hand over, holding it out meant to be shaken and sitting up. 

 

“Lance… what are you doing?” Matt asked, sitting up with arms crossed. 

 

Lance kept a straight face, looking at him. “Hi… my name is Lance McClain. Nice to meet you.” 

 

Matt laughed, watching him, and he decided to go along with it. To meet again without a history. He grabbed Lance’s hand, shaking it once. “It’s nice to meet you too. My name is Matt Holt.” 


End file.
